So, recently, I had another one of those moments of insight into my thinking and experiencing process. And I thought it might resonate with you too.
A few days ago, a friend and I were discussing something at work. Now both of us consider ourselves fairly open to looking at things from different perspectives, not being bound by our own experiences and first impressions.
For example: I may not get along well with a person X, but if some other person told me that X was a nice person, I wouldn’t not believe them. I’d chalk up my own bad experience with X to circumstances, or just misunderstanding, or maybe just that we don’t get along well together, even though we may both be decent people individually. There are so many possibilities, and plus, if the other person considered X a nice person, she must also be doing so based on her own experiences. I see no reason why my own experience was likely to be more accurate than hers. So, I’d give X the benefit of the doubt, and in any future dealings with X, I’d try and not start off with a confrontational attitude from the beginning itself, and instead try to see things from their perspective too. Well, I’d try, but I’m only human after all… 🙂
And the same goes for her as well – she also keeps an open mind to possibilities and perspectives (and I think that may be one of the reasons why we get along well together).
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Before we get to the main story, some background: There’s this guy at work that we both don’t like (let’s refer to him simply as “The Guy” from now on). We’ve both had separate dealings with The Guy, and we’ve both independently reached our opinions about him.
And now for the main story: This one time, my friend and I were working together on a task late Friday evening. The Guy had already packed up his bag, and was about to leave, when we stopped him to ask for his help on something.
As soon as we had mentioned that, but before had a chance to explain to him what that was, or how long it would take, his immediate reaction was one of annoyance and irritation. So much so, that it was missed neither by us, nor by our supervisor, who was sitting close by, who stepped in and got the issue resolved somehow.
Later on, my friend mentioned that it’s behavior like this that’s the cause of her dislike of The Guy. He has done this multiple times with her – whenever she asks for his help, he just makes a scene about how much effort that will take, how he’s busy at that moment, etc.
I hadn’t been associated with The Guy for very long at the time, but still, I had my own reasons why I didn’t like him (again related to his attitude at work), though I hadn’t been in a situation with him where I had asked for his help and he had tried to weasel his way out of it.
Anyway, my first thought on seeing The Guy’s reaction was that he was just disappointed more than anything – it was a Friday, and he had already packed up for the day, and was looking forward to getting a drink with his friends. If I had been in his shoes, I probably wouldn’t have liked it either.
* * *
Now the twist in the story: What surprised me was that my friend didn’t view it that way. She normally used to offer possibilities of why someone may have behaved the way they did. But when it came to The Guy, she was firm in her belief that he deliberately acts out the way he does.
That’s when I wondered if it could’ve been due to her longer association with The Guy. And maybe she was even right – maybe The Guy did do that on purpose. But I think if that single instance was to be viewed independently of all others, it was more disappointment than deliberate.
And then I realized it: we may be a certain kind of person, but we don’t always remain that way. There are specific triggers – certain situations, people, places, words – that transform us into slightly different people. Sometimes, more than slightly.
The point is: there’s a threshold beyond which we stop perceiving and reacting to the world in the normal way that we do, beyond which we take on a different personality. We need to be aware of where that line is, and when we cross it.
And it’s not that uncommon. As I write this, I’m just now realizing that I should’ve seen this earlier. After all, we all say and do things that we normally wouldn’t when we are angry. How’s that any different than this?
* * *
So, how do I know when I’m not being myself? Well, that’s the tricky part. I don’t have a definite answer just yet, except being introspective – observing my own behaviour from time to time, questioning my views and the basis for them, maybe talking to someone who knows me, and so also knows when I’m not being myself. Hopefully, over time, it should become easier to spot those instances myself.
You might ask: “Even if you know when you are not being yourself, how will that help you?” I see two ways in which it might:
1) It makes me more self-aware. If, in the future, I find myself making hasty judgments of someone’s actions or words, I’d like to be able to remember that what I may be perceiving or thinking at that moment may not be what I’d think had that same thing happened in a different context. I think that should help me evaluate the situation with a more objective and balanced view.
2) It can help identify my triggers, so that I can prepare to deal with them better in the future. For example: if I know that I get angry when someone talks about a certain topic, and then react in ways that are not “me” in general, I can analyze what it is about those topics that makes me angry, and what would be the best way to respond to that situation, while still being “me”.
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Many of you might already know this. It might even be as common as “common” sense (no pun intended), but it was kind of a revelation for me. So, just wanted to share this with you guys, in the hope that someone, somewhere might find some value in it. After all, we are all in this together! 🙂
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